On Saturday May 5th we begin the Grand Tour season – in what seems like a flash, the Spring Classics have been and gone and it’s nearly time to watch our favourite riders punish themselves repeatedly while travelling through some of the most incredible landscapes.
Here at ProBikeKit we feel it is our duty to inform you that, believe it or not, the lure of the Grand Tour is not as strong for others as it may be for you. So to help avoid conflict and keep the peace, we’ve resurrected our rules and regulations from last year to help bring a little order and tranquillity.
Dear Wife/Husband, Sweetheart/Girl Friend/Boy Friend, Partner/whoever it may concern.
1. From Saturday 5th May, you should read the sports section of the newspaper and the PBK blog #OMGiro daily round up so that you are aware of what is going on regarding the World of Cycling and this way, you will be able to join in the conversations. If you fail to do this, then you will be looked at in a less than favourable way and/or you will be totally ignored. DO NOT complain about not receiving any attention.
2. During the Giro d’Italia, Tour de France, Vuelta, Tour of Britain and any other races I deem important, the television is mine – at all times, without any exceptions. If you even take a glimpse of the remote control, you will lose it (your eye).
3. If you have to pass by in front of the TV during a stage I don’t mind, as long as you do it crawling on the floor and without distracting me.
4. During the stages, I will be blind, deaf and mute, unless I require a refill of my drink or something to eat. You are out of your mind if you expect me to listen to you, open the door, answer the telephone, or pick up the baby that just fell on the floor… It won’t happen.
5. It would be a good idea for you to keep at least 2 six packs in the fridge at all times, as well as plenty of things to nibble on (excluding your body parts) and please do not make any funny faces to my friends when they come over to watch the stages. In return, you will be allowed to use the TV between 12am and 6am, unless they replay a good part of a stage that I missed during the day.
6. Please, please, please!! If you see me upset because one of my favourite riders is losing, DO NOT say “get over it, it’s only a race”, or “don’t worry, he’ll win next time”. You will only make me angry and I will love you less. Remember, you will never ever know more about cycling than me and your attempts at empathy will only lead to the darkside.
7. You are welcome to sit with me to watch one stage or when invited, you may even talk to me during the dodgy helicopter shots and when the commercials are on (please distract me during the Sidi adverts) but ONLY if the race is pleasing me. In addition, please note I am saying “one” stage; hence do not use the Tour de France as a nice cheesy excuse to “spend time together”.
8. The replays of the important bits during the race are very important. I don’t care if I have seen them or I haven’t seen them. I want to see them again, many times.
9. Tell your friends NOT to have any babies, child related parties, weddings or gatherings of any kind that require my attendance because:
a) I will not go, b) I will not go and c) I will not go.
10. But, if a friend of mine invites us to his house on a Sunday to watch a stage, we will be there in a flash.
11. The daily highlights show on TV every night is just as important as the live stages themselves. Do not even think about saying “but you have already seen this…why don’t you change the channel to something we can all watch?” Because, the reply will be, “Refer to Rule #2 of this list”.
12. Finally, please save all expressions of relief or gratitude at the end of a particular race (i.e. “Thank God the Tour de France is only on once a year”). I am immune to these words, because before and after this, come the Tour of Flanders, Paris-Roubaix, The Giro d’Italia, Tour of Britain and the Vuelta a Espana etc.
(By the way, if you get stuck on the road and the car has broken down… call the Police or AA.)
Thank you for your cooperation.
Feel Free to print out these rules, sign your name at the bottom and stick them on the fridge, bathroom mirror or anywhere else your other half will see them. Then sit back, relax and let the good times roll. We’d love to see some pictures of the rules printed out and the reaction to them from your partners. Feel free to post any photos on our Facebook fan page or tweet us @probikekit.
As usual PBK will be covering all the Grand Tour highs and lows across our various social media channels. If you want to follow our alternative commentary of the Giro on Twitter follow #OMGiro as well as our daily alternative Giro blog review. More to come on that later!
Disclaimer: ProBikeKit is not responsible for any break up of relationships or marriages due to the printing of these rules.